job's tears

today's litany brought to you by the incredible string band.

We're all still here - no one has gone away - Waiting...
Acting much too well, and procrastinating...

The cross of the earth
The four winds point them
Body to body
Seas to anoint them
The reed they brought him
Sponge and vinegar
Fiery serpents
Spitting gold and cinnamon
The moon was bleeding
And stars were shallow
And the sword that killed him
Was a sword of willow
"Hello, I must be going. I only came to say -
I hear my mother calling, and I must be on my way..."
O I remember it all from before -

The winter and midnight
Could not hold him
Fire could not burn him
Nor earth enfold him
Rise up, Lazarus
Sweet and salty
Brothers soldiers
Stop your gambling and talk to me
The thieves were stealers
But reason condemned him
And the grave was empty
Where they had laid him
"Hello, I must be going. I only came to say -
I hear my mother calling, and I must be on my way..."
O I remember it all from before -

...But stranger than that, we're alive.
Stranger than that,
Stranger than that,
Stranger than that, we're alive.



Whatever you think, it's more than that, more than that.

best loved hmmms

i'm a mess. who's a mess?

vanity, pure vanity.
calling, calling humanity.
vanity.
- reggae song

we've been talking about vanity. what was that sixties thing, ego death? killing the ego? was that really healthy? was that really appropriate? ego is continuous with/is a property of the material plane. material desires can never be satisfied. ego desires can never be satisfied.

we were talking about the space between us all
and the people who hide themselves behind a wall
- beatles song

what did we mean when we said ego?
#1 is vanity.
#2 is individual identity.
#3 is "the division of the psyche that is self-conscious, most immediately controls thought and behavior, and is most in touch with external reality."

looked up "ego death" at dictionary dot com, and it replied: "No entry found for ego death. Did you mean "ego ideal"?"

nature's art disdaineth
her beauty is her own
- elizabethan song

calling, calling humanity.
vanity.

fairy-tale ladies disfigured their faces so they would not be beautiful; religious women shaved their heads and put on the european burka; saints forswore their inheritances of luxury and power, the kissinger aphrodisiac.
we assume that it is good to be a saint. or...

is it irresponsible to pretend not to be an individual? a kind of moral laziness?
complaining about materialism sounds simpleminded. bracketing everything we can lay our hands on ("reality," "individuality," "self") seems cowardly.
one wants to be "simpleminded," but not to sound simpleminded...
and there it is again.

the whirlwind is in the thorn tree
it's hard for thee to kick against the pricks
- johnny cash song

i got sick.
i am tired of thinking these words.
i got sick and could not walk from the bed to the kitchen without collapsing
and i don't remember a lot of it. i was sick and the steroids made me better but they also made me sick in new ways.

the steroids gave me a hand tremor. it was scariest when i was stitching up an old man's armpit, where we had just snipped out some poisoned lymph nodes; the skin was so thin, so delicate, and my fingers clutching the needleholder and the forceps just shook and shook, uncontrollably, but at least rhythmically, at least i could time my breaths in and out and twitch the needle-point into his skin, lightning-quick, between jolts. i could stitch him up and not hurt him, but it was hard and i was scared and dripping with sweat and sorrow.
i also spill glasses of water in my lap - just a little. i also toss salad all over the salad bar - more trouble with fingers and forceps. these are things that are happening to me, me, how can they be happening to me, of all people? ego pulls the pillow over her face and gnashes her teeth and hides.

the steroids also junked my appearance.



it's hard to forget about how i look. there are reflective surfaces everywhere. the physical sensations are reflective surfaces too and i am ashamed of myself and these are the fruits of vanity. it's a convenient time for me to ponder ego death, although it was you who brought it up.

i think i ponder i brood about the surgery that would open my eyelids, pull out the thick wads of fat that steroids have filled them with, i think about it all the time, i wish i could just do it myself in the bathroom, it would be such a relief to see my normal face again and another relief to not have perfect strangers tell me "you look tired" and an even bigger relief to not work so hard to keep my lids apart so i can see and if only the blur would go away.

what if it never goes away?

my vision is unclear, in oh so many ways. it's all a blur. it's all a blur.

one day i was driving along and i had the strangest feeling of disconnectedness. driving, the idea of a car, see-through atmosphere, having a little agenda for the day, putting everything in words, everything suddenly seemed arbitrary. i thought, maybe this is what i'd be like schizophrenic. i also thought it must have been the toll - the toll of feeling subliminally punished by ill-health, as well as the toll of the dreariness of having such heavy, heavy lids... it went away, but one wonders... could one become unfamiliar to oneself forever?
could one get used to being unfamiliar to oneself? is it the void behind the Void?
the corpse of ego, not so graceful as the death?
i am blessed with the clearest lesson yet that the desires of the ego, the demands of vanity, can never, never be satisfied. it is an unsatisfactory blessing (today).

what i am saying is i can not properly see.

lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither
moth nor rust doth corrupt, and thieves do not break in and steal.
- the dude

simple operating instructions.
you have been told more than once.
why do you always have to do things the hard way.
don't goof off.
calling. calling humanity.

and i ask blessed mary ever virgin all the angels and saints and you my brothers and sisters

the spiritual works of mercy are: to instruct the ignorant
the spiritual works of mercy are not strained
the spiritual works of mercy are dropping

the spiritual works of mercy are located at 7301 rogers avenue
the spiritual works of mercy are moving april 1st
the spiritual works of mercy are the work of travelers

the spiritual works of mercy are ambassadors
the spiritual works of mercy are their cargo


the spiritual works of mercy are: to counsel the doubtful
the spiritual works of mercy are great upon you
the spiritual works of mercy are great but my severity is as great
the spiritual works of mercy are having problems
the spiritual works of mercy are somehow lacking

the spiritual works of mercy are the solution
the spiritual works of mercy are not limited by our definitions of insiders and outsiders
the spiritual works of mercy are acute
the spiritual works of mercy are concerned about people who are hurt


the spiritual works of mercy are: to forgive offences willingly
the spiritual works of mercy are exceedingly dangerous
the spiritual works of mercy are not strnen the mekons borrowed gang of four's instruments

the spiritual works of mercy are favored in division 1
the spiritual works of mercy are tops in us news and world report

the spiritual works of mercy are privately funded
the spiritual works of mercy are a cash gift
the spiritual works of mercy are a hit


the spiritual works of mercy are: to bear wrongs patiently
the spiritual works of mercy are everlasting i am yvonne antao from bombay
the spiritual works of mercy are simply justice tempered by that wisdom which grows out of perfection of knowledge and the full recognition of natural weaknesses and environmental circumstances
the spiritual works of mercy are in the house

the spiritual works of mercy are a fast block cipher operating on 4096
the spiritual works of mercy are a new randomised block cipher accepting a 4096
the spiritual works of mercy are a member of the trinity system

the spiritual works of mercy are as it were the spontaneous product of charity
the spiritual works of mercy are a boomerang

the spiritual works of mercy are strong
the spiritual works of mercy are justice
the spiritual works of mercy are the only hope for the condemned
the spiritual works of mercy are clearly of greatest importance to christians in trouble


the spiritual works of mercy are: to admonish sinners
the spiritual works of mercy are weakness
the spiritual works of mercy are a kind of sorrow
the spiritual works of mercy are blind
the spiritual works of mercy are licence to damnation
the spiritual works of mercy are linked to the possession of power over others
the spiritual works of mercy are on the right just after the second stop sign
the spiritual works of mercy are our only hope

the spiritual works of mercy are king
the spiritual works of mercy are definitely good
the spiritual works of mercy are to wrestlemania 2000 what george "dubuya" bush is to the constitution

the spiritual works of mercy are left feeling a little awkward following an encounter with the kommandant

the spiritual works of mercy are based on the writings of the blessed
the spiritual works of mercy are what i like
the spiritual works of mercy are like himself


the spiritual works of mercy are: to comfort the afflicted
the spiritual works of mercy are not simply the withholding of punishment
the spiritual works of mercy are what sustains us


the spiritual works of mercy are: to pray for the living and the dead
the spiritual works of mercy are available for 305 beds
the spiritual works of mercy are at the forefront of care technology
the spiritual works of mercy are precision radiation therapy
the spiritual works of mercy are favour from allah which he places in the heart
the spiritual works of mercy are not a struggle for god